Listening

     I recently read a quote, which said, "If you don't understand my silence, then you don't deserve my words." I reacted by feeling the quote was unfair, selfish, and perhaps unrealistic. But it stuck with me. As I chewed on these words over the next few weeks, a small kernel of truth emerged in my mind - we aren't truly listening to a person's heart if we don't hear the words they're not saying. How many of us are actually "quick to listen"? I mean, we try not to interrupt our friends. We hopefully process the words they are saying. But do we truly listen to understand, or do we listen to respond? Often, it isn't done out of intentional self-absorption, but simply a forgetfulness of others and a distracted inattention to their needs.
      People often think they know who I am when they really know nothing about me at all. They think they have me pegged. But they see only the tip of the iceberg of who I am when they assume that the things I do reflect my character. How I wish that people could see who I really am, but I really don't know how to explain to them. As a younger teen, I passively allowed the well-meaning people in my life instruct, and I didn't care that they didn't know a thing about me.
In fact, I'm completely different than I may appear on the surface - not because I'm insincere, but because my story and my heart are so big and heavy that I can't drag them out when people are buzzing around from place to place without a moment to stop. And I don't blame those people - you can't hear the silences of every person. But from these personal experiences, I've learned that if you don't have the time to truly know a person with your full attention and energy, you have to accept that, as John Green says, "Just remember that, sometimes the way you think about a person, isn't the way they actually are."
     In my own life, I truly value the people who care deeply enough about me to hear my silences. As a personality style, I have a primary cognitive function of "introverted feeling." That's a fancy way of saying that, like Mary in the Bible, who "treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart," I have a deep well of feeling that stirs beneath the surface. I take things in and ponder them, and I am not a person who naturally and immediately reacts outwardly. Other personality types might extrovert their feelings. That means that it isn't easy for me to tell people what's on my mind, because it's stuck down there inside. That's why I write. It takes time and much thought to extract those deepest parts of myself.

     This summer, I worked as an intern in my church's youth program. Part of my job was taking girls out and doing mentorship. The one piece of instruction I was given as I prepared to do this was this: "If you have an hour, spend 55 minutes listening, and spend the last 5 minutes laying out gospel-filled truth - this is how you show them Christ."
     And so I posit that with fewer words, perhaps we will all hear and be heard more often.

Three Years Without Michelle - A Flawed Perspective

Michelle had a tick that gave her a half smile as she spoke to you. She was more comical than glamorous, and for much of her life, she was a tomboy. She had dreams of becoming a doctor, but she honestly wasn't all that bright. She asked for help when she needed it, and she was either unaware or just didn't care when she stepped on toes. Michelle loved Taylor Swift and coffee. She constantly teased me, with a twinkle of amusement in her eye. She was frank, and her voice had this matter-of-fact quality that made her plain-old funny. She was quietly compassionate and patient, but she never acted like a saint about it, which I think made her more selfless than I am. It is only after deep reflection and perspective that I even realize her patience with me was rooted in a deep and love and compassion for me. She never asked for thanks or attention. Michelle was a nonjudgmental listener and a selfless supporter. And had it not been for her death, she probably would not have continued to be a part of my life post-graduation.

Michelle's death in March 2013 sent me spiraling into a deep grief, a grief which would mark the very face of my personality, identity, and life decisions for the next two years. My heart shuddered from the trauma - it's like the feeling you get when a car barrels down the street a little too close to you on the sidewalk, and the air seems to shake you back and forth for a moment. Slow-motion flashbacks from the moment I found out about her death intrusively invaded my thoughts.

Over the summer, I fell in love, and my thousand-year-old heart once again felt young. Somewhere in there, I realized I stopped thinking about Michelle every day. I still think about her, but I remember the days when I couldn't go fifteen minutes without thinking about her. It defined me. Now, God is telling a new story in my life. I thought I would never recover; I didn't want to recover. I wanted to show the importance of her life through my grief. But that's never what she would have wanted. I can see her now, scrunching up her face at me like I was crazy, as she often did, emphatically and skeptically asking, "Why??" I have grieved, but there is a time to grieve and a time to laugh, and I think God wants us to enjoy the blessings he has given us. Becoming thankful and joyful again has been a gradual journey. Now I realize that we don't get to raise our fists at God and demand answers. God asks in Job 38:

"Who is this that darkens my counsel with words without knowledge? Brace yourself like a man; I will question you, and you shall answer me. Where were you when I laid the earth's foundation? Tell me if you understand. Who marked off its dimensions? Surely you know! ...Who shut up the sea behind doors when it burst forth from the womb when I made the clouds its garment and wrapped it in thick darkness, when I fixed limits for it and set its doors and bars in place, when I said, 'This far you may come and no farther; here is your proud waves halt'?"

The question isn't, "God, how could you?" Yeah, it's a valuable academic question, but let's be honest: we're not just wondering, we are accusing. The true question is, "Do you trust the sovereign Lord?" Nonchristians aren't going to understand this. They'll say I'm intentionally blinding myself to the facts; I'm not. I'm just choosing to trust God in what I
do understand and in what I don't understand. And that's what it means to be a Christian. To be a Christian is to trust God with your life, and that trust reaches into every nook and cranny. Trust God with your schoolwork, your relationships, your future, and yes, I even must trust God with Michelle. I have a long way to go. I'm not the woman I want to be. What I'm saying is that as the anniversary of Michelle's death comes around, I have a lot more perspective about it all than I did before. It wouldn't have taken a well-adjusted person three years to simply gain perspective, but I'm a really broken person.

I recently read that the goal of Christian living is not self-improvement, but knowing and enjoying God (Desiring God). That stuck with me. Without thinking, if I could sum up where I am, it would be to say, "I need to be better." But Christ tells us that we are complete in Him. I haven't handled all this well, and even in recovery, I still am not good. But God is good, and I am thankful for where He has taken me over the past three years. This month, I remember Michelle, but I do so from a place of freedom in Christ. Praise God.

Falling Slowly

     Everything hurts. Sometimes, it feels as if thorns encompass you. Only if you remain in perfect stillness can you avoid the pricks. But in stillness you get stiff, and that hurts too. This is what love is like. The honest truth is everything hurts. 
     Let me explain what I mean. You know that person that you love so much, but they only use you? They hurt you; they let you down. They frustrate you, they insult you, they abuse, they reject you. You give chance after chance, and people let you down time and time again. And to an extent, every relationship is like this. Someone can be the best person in the world, and you're still going to get hurt.

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.” -Bob Marley

     I seem to get hurt a lot. People often think I might regret it, once I've been used, once a relationship has failed, once I've been rejected. But I don't. They say hindsight is 20-20, but I don't regret a second I spent loving someone or pouring myself out. I've been used time after time, primarily as emotional support. Once people have gotten what they need, they are gone. And it rips my heart out. But had I known which people were going to be "worth it," I would not have changed one moment. They were still worth it. I needed to love those people to be who I am. It wouldn't  have been right to pass over them because I was afraid. You don't get to protect yourself in that way. That's what it means to be in relationship. You put your heart on the line and trust God to catch you when you fall. If you live your life according to this fearless mantra, I promise, you will get hurt. But you will live. You will touch lives. You will grow. You will be who God has designed you to be.

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.” -C.S. Lewis

     So, I have lived by this fearless mantra. But let's also get some wisdom from the Bible. God tells us to love fearlessly. The kind of forgiveness we see in Christ is no "forgive-but-not-forget" mentality, nor does it seek to leave relationships broken. Wow. Transformative. Radical. But also, God says, "Don't be stupid." That's my paraphrased version of Proverbs 4:23.

"Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it." -Proverbs 4:23

     Um, confused? I was. For many years, I felt like I needed to choose. Only recently was I able to reconcile the radical love of Christ with the cautiousness of this verse. 

     So, let me retract my previous statement. I have regretted my outpouring once. There was once a time where I invested so much in one person that I fell apart. My relationships with close friends and family fell into disrepair. My mental health teetered on the edge. And guess what. I wasn't able to be a loving support to anyone else for years. God had to build me back up, and it took a long time. That wasn't the way love should work, on my part. 

     So here's what I mean. You've gotta love everybody fully. 100% of what you can give, 100% of the time.  And sometimes that 100% is nothing. Sometimes it's a lot more than anyone can reciprocate. And both of those times in life are okay. As long as you are giving it all. 

     But then know when it has shifted from love to brokenness. Dependent, unhealthy relationships are not a reflection of love. It is okay to fall. It is good to get hurt. I want my knees to get scraped. I want to feel those really low lows. Not because I love pain, but because that's when I know I'm doing it right. I put myself out there. I was vulnerable. You can't get hurt unless you were at least a little bit vulnerable, a little bit loving. 

     Getting hurt is different than living in slavery. God made the ultimate sacrifice to set us free. My favorite verse in the bible speaks to this:

"It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yolk of slavery." -Galatians 5:1

     Wow. Is that powerful to you? It's powerful to me. We aren't meant to be slaves! We are not slaves to people that need us. Guess what? No one needs you! God is enough. We are not slaves to serve. Guess what? We give out of the outpouring of love God has invested in us. Not only are we not obligated to maintain unhealthy relationships, but we shouldn't! I don't think God wants us to live in brokenness - He has better plans for us! God is a God of wholeness. Sometimes, the most you can lovingly give in a relationship is very little, and that is your 100% for that person. And that's okay. But you can't know if a relationship is going to tear you down like that until you try. And if you get hurt, forgive and seek the true reconciliation of a healthy relationship, but don't settle for an unhealthy one.

     And with that word of warning (which really wasn't the point, but for certain groups, like myself, is necessary), I urge the sterile, the clean, and the fearful, to break out. Sarah's #1 rule for relationships: Relationships are messy. It's something you accept. Breathe it in and out. There's nothing you can do to change it. People get hurt. But it's not a real relationship if it doesn't work that way. Relationships are messy because people are imperfect. When you pretend you're perfect and live in a restricted way, your relationships are fake. Get hurt. I recommend it. Everything hurts. Everything worth having, anyway. When I look at my closest friends - the ones who have partnered with me through life and truly loved me, I realize that many of them are people I gambled on. Take a chance on someone today. They're worth the risk.

Poetry of Trees (ft. Original Poetry)

The Virtue of a Winter Tree

by Sarah Paynter

Look to the trees in winter

Barren and yet they live.

Cold kiss of snow

clothes their naked bark,

No fruit tonight will they give.

Somber yet ever hopeful

Up to sky arms outstretched.

Its branches reach

To hold hands with God

In sky, silhouette is etched.

Though she may live where clouds fly,

Grounded unto cold ground.

Intimately

mingles with stone earth.

Through slow strength, a lover found.

Where lives the hope in springtime?

There expectations die:

They give new birth

To reality.

In barren confidence dreams reside.

Trees

By Joyce Kilmer

I think that I shall never see

A poem lovely as a tree.

A tree whose hungry mouth is pressed

Against the earth's sweet flowing breast;

A tree that looks at God all day,

And lifts her leafy arms to pray;

A tree that may in Summer wear

A nest of robins in her hair;

Upon whose bosom snow has lain;

Who intimately lives with rain.

Poems are made by fools like me,

Buy only God can make a tree.

Jeffrey Daniel

"I realize there's something incredibly honest about trees in winter, how they're experts at letting things go."

                                                            Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening

By Robert Frost

Whose woods these are I think I know.   

His house is in the village though;   

He will not see me stopping here   

To watch his woods fill up with snow.   

My little horse must think it queer   

To stop without a farmhouse near   

Between the woods and frozen lake   

The darkest evening of the year.   

He gives his harness bells a shake   

To ask if there is some mistake.   

The only other sound’s the sweep   

Of easy wind and downy flake.   

The woods are lovely, dark and deep,   

But I have promises to keep,   

And miles to go before I sleep,   

                                                                    And miles to go before I sleep.

Kahlil Gibran

"Trees are poems that Earth writes upon the sky."

An Update on My Life

     This blog is a letter to all my readers. Unfortunately, I am going to be taking a break from this blog for a while. I appreciate all of your support and encouragement so much - you have made me feel so loved and blessed. So in this post, I'm just going to give you some insight into my life.
     This semester, I thought I'd have time to go to the gym, start a bible study, go to extra Christian clubs, make new friends, join some fun organizations, and get a job. Silly me. This is the thing - you know, the thing that I always do. I take on too much. It's probably the biggest obstacle I face in my spiritual life and mental health.
     I started off the semester with only 13 credits, which is why I thought I could take on more. These included two psychology classes, an honors seminar, and a literature class. The Honors Seminar allows me to serve on the board of the James Madison Undergraduate Research Journal, which is very exciting. The literature class is also very exciting and fun, as it surveys American heroes from The Last of the Mohicans to Brer Rabbit to Superman. However, at the last moment, I was allowed into a Grant-Writing class I had applied to get into, and I enrolled in it. This brought me up to 16 credits.
    Finally, this week, something wonderful happened, which brought me up to 18 credits (which is a lot). Getting into research in the psychology program here is very difficult, yet somehow, I convinced someone to take me on in their research, which will enable me to finish the honors program and graduate on time (both of which my adviser said I would not be able to do). It was a long shot, and I fully expected to be rejected when I walked into the man's office, but I left feeling elated with the wonderful new opportunity he offered me. We will be doing research on the stigma attached to mental health issues, which is exactly the area in which I wanted to get involved. It's also perfect because he will be on sabbatical the semester I hope to study abroad at St. Andrews (3rd best psychology school in the world, founded in Scotland the 1400s, and the college of William and Kate) this fall! In addition, he will help me as I apply for the Hillcrest Scholarship, which gives students the opportunity to have an amazing off-campus research experience the summer following their junior year. I now expect to graduate in Spring 2017 with a psychology BA, a nonprofit studies minor, an area of emphasis in Creative Expression, and with Honors. God has really guided me through my time here, and I am so excited to see what He has in store for me. All this was orchestrated by Him, and I am blown away by His goodness, grace, and care for me.
     All this is shaping up to an exciting undergraduate career, and I do not know how I got so lucky! Because there are all such rare and amazing opportunities, I am going to take on the crazy semester academically, while protecting my mental health by cutting out other activities. I have learned, over the years, that I must maintain balance, and for me, that means taking time to recharge and having alone time. Even blog writing is an outpouring of myself, and though it helps me organize my thoughts and grow, it will become something I don't enjoy if it creates stress. Along with this blog, I will be dropping all the other things I anticipated for this semester. This isn't because I'm getting sucked into schoolwork, but rather, because I anticipate a lot of schoolwork, and I want to make time for play.
     So outside of schoolwork, what will my life look like? Well, I won't be doing the typical college-age party thing. I think that some parties can be a good atmosphere for some people, but they're just stressful to me. I like to vedge. I like to drink coffee and watch classic movies. I plan to watch Doctor Who and pin an obscene amount of pins on Pinterest.  And actually, I enjoy doing schoolwork. I seek out time to shop by myself on Sundays after church, and going to Cookout with my friends is always a highlight. I hope to take naps in the afternoons and spend time with the people who overwhelm me daily with their love, loyalty, and affection. I know I will continue to revel in the wonderful life God has given me.

   So, I will return to this blog, hopefully in a few months, because I didn't get to do nearly as much as I wanted to with it. I like to write because it organizes my thoughts and helps me develop my feelings about what I write. It is cathartic, and it is a way to express the love I have in my heart. It's also a way to bravely show the world the good and bad of what's inside, which I think is an important encouragement. I intentionally write about things I care about. Ernest Hemingway said, "Write hard and clear about what hurts," and that is my writing philosophy. I want people to know that I'm not perfect and that I struggle and that in my own strength, I am not okay. I also want people to know that  God has made me whole and that I live a joyful life of one who delights in God's goodness. I might occasionally write a post or two over the next few months, and I hope that you will still be interested in reading them as they come! Thank you all for your love and support.

What is Love? (Baby, Don't Hurt Me)

     "Have you ever been in love?" someone asked me recently.
     And I didn't know the answer. What does it mean to be "in love"? Does it mean to really, really like someone? Or is something totally different? What is the distinction? I really don't get it.
     Today, I'm going to talk about my concept of love. Many of you might not agree with me. In fact, you probably won't. But, since here I'm simply penning things I think, I'm going to do just that.
     I think love is love. I don't believe in soul mates or one true love. Yes, I believe that God has a plan for our lives, but to me, that just means that whoever I may choose to marry, they were the one I was meant to marry. I don't think there's a perfect person waiting out there for everyone, or anyone. I don't believe in a better half.
     All love is the same in a way, and for love to be love, it must be 100%. Many times, what we call love is not love at all, but simply infatuation or lust. There are different types of the same kind of love, and that it takes a lot more than butterflies to make a relationship work.
     Imagine a child asking their mother, "Do you love me or Daddy more?" Well, ideally, that would be a question with no answer. The mother loves them both, but in different ways. She can't say she loves one more than the other because she truly loves each of them. When you love someone genuinely, there are no degrees. It's a wholehearted, 100% love. That's just one girl's opinion. Yes, as imperfect human beings, we aren't going to be able to keep that 100% up 100% of the time. But as we grow, our moments of actual love become more often and more consistent.

Carl and Ellie - "Up"

     You can feel that for more than one person - in fact, you probably should.You should wholeheartedly love your family, your friends, and to be fair, the random stranger on the street. You should love every single person on the planet because that is the life to which we have been called as people filled with love. As a Christian, it's my goal to love everyone with that wholehearted, 100% love. I don't want a 50-50 relationship. I want 100-100. Both people giving their all. Obviously, I don't do this perfectly, or even well. But it is my goal. Now, there are definitely different kinds love. There's parental love, there's the love of friendship, there's the love you show to strangers, and there's romantic love. I really don't think we should so foreground romantic love above other kinds of love. All this hype perpetuated by the media creates this image of romantic love as the answer to all life's problems. If you've ever experienced romantic love, you know that no romance can fill a hole of loneliness, nor can it complete you in any way.
     I think that romantic love is simply a self-sacrificial attitude towards mankind in a romantic context. Which means that you can love someone 100% as a person, and if you have romantic feelings towards them, that's love.
     So, why are we so scared of saying, "I love you"? If you have a boyfriend, you are usually pretty assured that he has romantic feelings towards you. Why wouldn't you want to also be assured that he has your best interests at heart? I know a lot of Christian couples who are so serious about their purity, and that is really admirable. But I really don't understand the ones who are saving the words "I love you" for their spouses. Love is choosing to put the well being of another before yourself. I wouldn't want to be with someone who didn't love me, would you? Why would you want that?
     I don't believe in "in love." If by "in love," you mean strong romantic attraction, then yes. I've been in love. I'm going to be in love a lot of times. I think that being in love isn't as big of a deal as people say it is, to be honest. Having butterflies is the easy part. If you meet someone, and you decide to engage in a romantic relationship, it's going to be someone you not only feel for romantically, but someone you respect, communicate with well, trust, and want the best for.
     It's totally possible that the reason I don't understand "in love" is that I haven't felt it. Maybe it's the type of thing you know when you feel it. But I don't think so. I think there will be a lot of romantic loves in each person's life. It's exciting and fun, but the truly special one is the one marked by the choice of commitment. That's it. The soul mate is the one you choose. And despite the fact that my view of love might seem cynical and unromantic, I think that my kind of love is a lot more special and real. It means you can't miss the person you were meant to be with, because if there's a person made for you, it's is the person you choose.

Takers

 

     Have you ever cared about someone so much more than they could ever reciprocate? Throughout my life, I have been blessed with so many incredibly loyal, wonderful, loving, and uplifting friends, whom I never could deserve. I call these people "givers." By no means have I gotten the short end of the stick where friendships are concerned. I am so incredibly blessed. I could never ask for a more beautiful, godly, loyal, wonderful group of loving individuals. However, in addition to these wonderful people who give and give and give, I have also developed a problem - I seem to constantly be drawn into relationships where others take and take and take. Because I love them so much, I am happy to give, and so I do. But then one day, I realize - I'm exhausted. These people drain me. And suddenly, I'm empty, and I can't give to anyone anymore. I'm completely broken, and it takes real time to become whole again. So today, I'm gonna talk about the "takers," and how I think we should deal with them - this is a complex topic with no clear answer or easy solution, but I'll endeavor to share a few insights I have developed over the years. By no means have I figured this out or learned how to put this into practice. My words here will be incomplete and even wrong. This is messy and hard, but I think it's worth addressing.

     First, we need to tentatively define what it means for a close relationship to be "healthy." A healthy, intimate relationship, in my experience, involves two people who value each other, wherein both individuals devote themselves in love to one another. That's not a complete definition, but let's work with it. What then, does it mean for two people to devote themselves to each other in love? What does it mean to love? 

     There are many definitions of love, and obviously, this is a large topic. But the type of love I'm talking about is a commitment made within oneself to put another before yourself. Growing up, I was blessed to have a lot of biblical instruction, and these wise people always told me that the opposite of love is not hate - it's selfishness. I think this is so true and valuable, but I think that if we don't have a complete understanding of what that looks like, it can actually be a pitfall for those of us who develop into "givers." 

     Conventional advice today is to love yourself first, but I think there are pitfalls to this too. I don't think that we need to put ourselves first. First of all, the Bible totally doesn't say this. We are told to love as we have been loved, and as said in Philippians 2:6-8, "did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage; rather, he made himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to death— even death on a cross!" Now, what kind of friends would we be if we were constantly keeping a tally, making sure that every kindness was reciprocated? What if we demanded that a relationship must be exactly 50-50, and there was no grace, nor any give and take? Is that really the life of grace to which we have been called? That is not the example that Christ has given for us. Rather, He gave everything and completely humbled himself - do we contribute an equal amount to that relationship? Is that relationship fair? In the parable of the unmerciful servant, the master of a servant dismisses a large debt which his servant owes him, but then that servant turns around and demands that another man pay a small debt, though it is nothing compared to the debt of which the servant had been acquitted. The master scolds the servant, because he has not extended the grace he has been given. That's why this is such a complex topic. Those who have grown up with these parables and passages know that we are called to selfless love, and hopefully, most of us are cultivated into "givers" in relationships.

     Theoretically, we can just give and give, and that's what it means to be a Christian. When I was younger, I remember a teacher talking about the passage where Jesus says that if someone hits you, offer him the other cheek. But then she finished the lesson with, obviously, you don't want to be a "doormat Christian," but, you understand the principle. But actually, I didn't understand the principle. It seemed that the Bible was saying one thing, and then others would tack moderation onto the idea. I rejected this - how much more clear could the Bible be? I think the Bible says we are to be totally selfless. 

     So what, then, is the problem? Is this not what the Bible teaches? Well, here is the problem. People with this mentality, like myself, often get "sucked in," and we become totally blind to the fact that we are being taken advantage of. Or, even if we do know, we probably will be fine with that. But one day, I realized, what if being a Christian doesn't mean being okay with being taken advantage of? 

     One way to test a theory is to see if it works. So, let's look at what it looks like when we let people take advantage of us. Fast forward a few months, and either you or the relationship is wrecked. But wait - isn't God a God of wholeness and reconciliation? If God is that kind of God, why would His ways consistently lead us into brokenness? It was upon this revelation that I started questioning my idea of "selflessness" in relationship. So, if I've convinced you of the complexity of this issue and the need to rework an idea which drives you into the ground, let's move forward into what you actually should do in this kind of situation. I'll tell you the steps I think should be taken, and I'll explain why as I go.
     So, lets assume you're starting from the bottom. If you don't know what that is, its that horrible feeling you get when you feel rejected and hurt. You are wrecked and tired, and you have let this relationship affect your mental, emotional, academic, spiritual, relational, or physical health. If you are at this stage, the first thing you have to do is remove yourself, quietly, if possible. Why is this necessary? Let's be honest - if you're this attached at this stage, you're going to need space to think and to learn what it means to be okay again. Try not to make extra drama which you'll have to deal with later, but instead, just make some space for a temporary time.
     The next stage is the reason you'll need some time and space. It's the stage where we figure out what our role is, and what it is not. This is the remedy to the reason why the giver mentality can hurt - are you ready? God has not called us into brokenness. There are countless negative repercussions to living in brokenness. First of all, when you get sucked into an unhealthy relationship like this, you actually hurt the person you're trying to help. You enable them to continue in the behavior that hurts themselves and others, and you strain your relationship with them. If you are so close to a person, and you love on them so much, and they don't care about you at all, that's going to cause frustration and resentment, which is not something God wants in your relationship. In additions, these kinds of relationships bring out the worst in the giver - you become insecure, and acting out of insecurity is never among our finest moments. You shut down your ability to give and minister in other relationships because you are exhausted and tired from the unhealthy relationship taking over your life. My greatest regrets in life are the relationships I hurt because I was too preoccupied "loving" someone with whom I was in an unhealthy friendship.
     Finally, a relationship like this hurts your relationship with God. It makes your forget that God is a God of rest. God says in Matthew 11:28-30, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." God also says in Psalm 46:10, "Be still, and know that I am God." Rest is actually very important in my relationship with God. In resting, I am trusting that God is going to take care of me, and of the world. If I take a break, the world doesn't stop spinning. God is actually totally in control. I think we delude ourselves into thinking we're a lot more crucial than we actually are - God has it totally under control. Take the story of Mary and Martha - Jesus was in their house, and Martha was rushing about making preparations for dinner while Mary sat with Jesus. Martha complained to Jesus that Mary wasn't helping, but Jesus said, "Martha, Martha...you are worried and upset about many things, but few things are needed—or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her." What a testament to the way we are to live. That's the reason it's important to take a long step back - we need a perspective check of what's really important and how we're really supposed to be living.
     So how, then, do we prepare to deal with this relationship when we come back from our reflective hiatus? 
     First, we recognize that they are wrong. What they are doing is literally wrong. There's no going around it. Now, this doesn't make us better than them. In fact, I'm sure at least once in your life, you'll be a taker too. But for now, you do need to stop making excuses for them and realize that how they are acting isn't okay. 
     Next, we forgive them. Forgiving means not holding resentment against them or using their faults against them. It means letting go of the hurt, anger, and pain. It means letting go through your own healing and allowing the healing of another. And the forgiveness must be total. None of this "I'll forgive you, but I won't forget" crap. Imagine if that's how God forgave us! "Well, Sarah, I guess I'll forgive you, but I've got a running tally of the amount of times you've messed up, and this number's getting pretty high." No! Of course not. God comes running to us, like in the parable of the prodigal son, where the father runs to welcome home his rebellious son who has come home. 
     But then what are the implications of this, and how do we not fall right back into the unhealthiness of the relationship again, if we are simply forgetting their pattern of behavior? Here's the part where we remember: God is a God of wholeness. We aren't called into unhealthy relationships. Unhealthy relationships are broken. God's work in our lives is to counteract our brokenness. God doesn't love evil. He wants us to be people who minister, but that never means doing something broken to achieve something good. That's not how it works.
     So what does it look like to love this person? It means starting with internal forgiveness, and it means kindness. It means extending grace. It does not mean forging another unhealthy relationship with them. Now, this external forgiveness part is the tricky part. You need to pursue building a foundation of the healthiest friendship you can build with this person. If that means that you're kind to them and extend them grace, that is great. This is the part where you get to turn the other cheek. You can absolutely extend every grace to them, but don't engage in intimate relationship with them. You do not have to be best friends with them - only build the level of friendship which you can sustain at a healthy level. It's important to remember, however, that if they're ready to reconcile, you do it - reconciliation is a natural extension of true forgiveness. Now, reconciliation means creating wholeness - reconciliation does not mean re-entering brokenness. If they want to "reconcile," but what they mean is to continue abusing you, the answer should be no. In some contexts, it might be a good idea to talk to this person about how you're feeling and have a constructive conversation about what it might look like to build a healthy relationship. If the other person can't do that, then you can't have that kind of relationship right now. Learn to make peace with that - they have their own journey, and they will grow. But ultimately, you know yourself, and the last thing you want to do is to undo all the work you've done to get to this place of rest. If you don't think you can handle rebuilding a relationship yet - don't. Galatians 5:1 says, "It is for freedom that Christ has set you free. Therefore, do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yolk of slavery." Take the time you need to become whole again, and watch how the other person is doing to see if they are coming more towards a place of wholeness. The work God has done in your life to rebuild you is valuable - don't throw it away by carelessly flinging your heart about. Proverbs 4:23 says, "Guard your heart, for everything you do flows through it." In this way, you are not being selfish - in fact, you are keeping them and yourself from a harmful situation, and you are looking to give them and yourself something better, in the long run.
     Today, I can celebrate a reconciled relationship which once was the most broken it could be. After five years, we are able to be friends again. I am blown away by the way God has directed our paths and brought wholeness where I never thought there could be any. I have been encouraged by this, and I hope that you know that reconciliation is real. Remember that living in brokenness is not the ministry of the believer. Just rest in Him and delight in the renewed life He has given you by setting you free.




*If you are being abused, please contact someone immediately. Reach out to a parent, a teacher, or another responsible adult who will get you help. Seek guidance from a therapist or a pastor.