Have you ever cared about someone so much more than they could ever reciprocate? Throughout my life, I have been blessed with so many incredibly loyal, wonderful, loving, and uplifting friends, whom I never could deserve. I call these people "givers." By no means have I gotten the short end of the stick where friendships are concerned. I am so incredibly blessed. I could never ask for a more beautiful, godly, loyal, wonderful group of loving individuals. However, in addition to these wonderful people who give and give and give, I have also developed a problem - I seem to constantly be drawn into relationships where others take and take and take. Because I love them so much, I am happy to give, and so I do. But then one day, I realize - I'm exhausted. These people drain me. And suddenly, I'm empty, and I can't give to anyone anymore. I'm completely broken, and it takes real time to become whole again. So today, I'm gonna talk about the "takers," and how I think we should deal with them - this is a complex topic with no clear answer or easy solution, but I'll endeavor to share a few insights I have developed over the years. By no means have I figured this out or learned how to put this into practice. My words here will be incomplete and even wrong. This is messy and hard, but I think it's worth addressing.
First, we need to tentatively define what it means for a close relationship to be "healthy." A healthy, intimate relationship, in my experience, involves two people who value each other, wherein both individuals devote themselves in love to one another. That's not a complete definition, but let's work with it. What then, does it mean for two people to devote themselves to each other in love? What does it mean to love?
There are many definitions of love, and obviously, this is a large topic. But the type of love I'm talking about is a commitment made within oneself to put another before yourself. Growing up, I was blessed to have a lot of biblical instruction, and these wise people always told me that the opposite of love is not hate - it's selfishness. I think this is so true and valuable, but I think that if we don't have a complete understanding of what that looks like, it can actually be a pitfall for those of us who develop into "givers."
Conventional advice today is to love yourself first, but I think there are pitfalls to this too. I don't think that we need to put ourselves first. First of all, the Bible totally doesn't say this. We are told to love as we have been loved, and as said in Philippians 2:6-8, "did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage; rather, he made himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to death— even death on a cross!" Now, what kind of friends would we be if we were constantly keeping a tally, making sure that every kindness was reciprocated? What if we demanded that a relationship must be exactly 50-50, and there was no grace, nor any give and take? Is that really the life of grace to which we have been called? That is not the example that Christ has given for us. Rather, He gave everything and completely humbled himself - do we contribute an equal amount to that relationship? Is that relationship fair? In the parable of the unmerciful servant, the master of a servant dismisses a large debt which his servant owes him, but then that servant turns around and demands that another man pay a small debt, though it is nothing compared to the debt of which the servant had been acquitted. The master scolds the servant, because he has not extended the grace he has been given. That's why this is such a complex topic. Those who have grown up with these parables and passages know that we are called to selfless love, and hopefully, most of us are cultivated into "givers" in relationships.
Theoretically, we can just give and give, and that's what it means to be a Christian. When I was younger, I remember a teacher talking about the passage where Jesus says that if someone hits you, offer him the other cheek. But then she finished the lesson with, obviously, you don't want to be a "doormat Christian," but, you understand the principle. But actually, I didn't understand the principle. It seemed that the Bible was saying one thing, and then others would tack moderation onto the idea. I rejected this - how much more clear could the Bible be? I think the Bible says we are to be totally selfless.
So what, then, is the problem? Is this not what the Bible teaches? Well, here is the problem. People with this mentality, like myself, often get "sucked in," and we become totally blind to the fact that we are being taken advantage of. Or, even if we do know, we probably will be fine with that. But one day, I realized, what if being a Christian doesn't mean being okay with being taken advantage of?
One way to test a theory is to see if it works. So, let's look at what it looks like when we let people take advantage of us. Fast forward a few months, and either you or the relationship is wrecked. But wait - isn't God a God of wholeness and reconciliation? If God is that kind of God, why would His ways consistently lead us into brokenness? It was upon this revelation that I started questioning my idea of "selflessness" in relationship. So, if I've convinced you of the complexity of this issue and the need to rework an idea which drives you into the ground, let's move forward into what you actually should do in this kind of situation. I'll tell you the steps I think should be taken, and I'll explain why as I go.
So, lets assume you're starting from the bottom. If you don't know what that is, its that horrible feeling you get when you feel rejected and hurt. You are wrecked and tired, and you have let this relationship affect your mental, emotional, academic, spiritual, relational, or physical health. If you are at this stage, the first thing you have to do is remove yourself, quietly, if possible. Why is this necessary? Let's be honest - if you're this attached at this stage, you're going to need space to think and to learn what it means to be okay again. Try not to make extra drama which you'll have to deal with later, but instead, just make some space for a temporary time.
The next stage is the reason you'll need some time and space. It's the stage where we figure out what our role is, and what it is not. This is the remedy to the reason why the giver mentality can hurt - are you ready? God has not called us into brokenness. There are countless negative repercussions to living in brokenness. First of all, when you get sucked into an unhealthy relationship like this, you actually hurt the person you're trying to help. You enable them to continue in the behavior that hurts themselves and others, and you strain your relationship with them. If you are so close to a person, and you love on them so much, and they don't care about you at all, that's going to cause frustration and resentment, which is not something God wants in your relationship. In additions, these kinds of relationships bring out the worst in the giver - you become insecure, and acting out of insecurity is never among our finest moments. You shut down your ability to give and minister in other relationships because you are exhausted and tired from the unhealthy relationship taking over your life. My greatest regrets in life are the relationships I hurt because I was too preoccupied "loving" someone with whom I was in an unhealthy friendship.
Finally, a relationship like this hurts your relationship with God. It makes your forget that God is a God of rest. God says in Matthew 11:28-30, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." God also says in Psalm 46:10, "Be still, and know that I am God." Rest is actually very important in my relationship with God. In resting, I am trusting that God is going to take care of me, and of the world. If I take a break, the world doesn't stop spinning. God is actually totally in control. I think we delude ourselves into thinking we're a lot more crucial than we actually are - God has it totally under control. Take the story of Mary and Martha - Jesus was in their house, and Martha was rushing about making preparations for dinner while Mary sat with Jesus. Martha complained to Jesus that Mary wasn't helping, but Jesus said, "Martha, Martha...you are worried and upset about many things, but few things are needed—or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her." What a testament to the way we are to live. That's the reason it's important to take a long step back - we need a perspective check of what's really important and how we're really supposed to be living.
So how, then, do we prepare to deal with this relationship when we come back from our reflective hiatus?
First, we recognize that they are wrong. What they are doing is literally wrong. There's no going around it. Now, this doesn't make us better than them. In fact, I'm sure at least once in your life, you'll be a taker too. But for now, you do need to stop making excuses for them and realize that how they are acting isn't okay.
Next, we forgive them. Forgiving means not holding resentment against them or using their faults against them. It means letting go of the hurt, anger, and pain. It means letting go through your own healing and allowing the healing of another. And the forgiveness must be total. None of this "I'll forgive you, but I won't forget" crap. Imagine if that's how God forgave us! "Well, Sarah, I guess I'll forgive you, but I've got a running tally of the amount of times you've messed up, and this number's getting pretty high." No! Of course not. God comes running to us, like in the parable of the prodigal son, where the father runs to welcome home his rebellious son who has come home.
But then what are the implications of this, and how do we not fall right back into the unhealthiness of the relationship again, if we are simply forgetting their pattern of behavior? Here's the part where we remember: God is a God of wholeness. We aren't called into unhealthy relationships. Unhealthy relationships are broken. God's work in our lives is to counteract our brokenness. God doesn't love evil. He wants us to be people who minister, but that never means doing something broken to achieve something good. That's not how it works.
So what does it look like to love this person? It means starting with internal forgiveness, and it means kindness. It means extending grace. It does not mean forging another unhealthy relationship with them. Now, this external forgiveness part is the tricky part. You need to pursue building a foundation of the healthiest friendship you can build with this person. If that means that you're kind to them and extend them grace, that is great. This is the part where you get to turn the other cheek. You can absolutely extend every grace to them, but don't engage in intimate relationship with them. You do not have to be best friends with them - only build the level of friendship which you can sustain at a healthy level. It's important to remember, however, that if they're ready to reconcile, you do it - reconciliation is a natural extension of true forgiveness. Now, reconciliation means creating wholeness - reconciliation does not mean re-entering brokenness. If they want to "reconcile," but what they mean is to continue abusing you, the answer should be no. In some contexts, it might be a good idea to talk to this person about how you're feeling and have a constructive conversation about what it might look like to build a healthy relationship. If the other person can't do that, then you can't have that kind of relationship right now. Learn to make peace with that - they have their own journey, and they will grow. But ultimately, you know yourself, and the last thing you want to do is to undo all the work you've done to get to this place of rest. If you don't think you can handle rebuilding a relationship yet - don't. Galatians 5:1 says, "It is for freedom that Christ has set you free. Therefore, do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yolk of slavery." Take the time you need to become whole again, and watch how the other person is doing to see if they are coming more towards a place of wholeness. The work God has done in your life to rebuild you is valuable - don't throw it away by carelessly flinging your heart about. Proverbs 4:23 says, "Guard your heart, for everything you do flows through it." In this way, you are not being selfish - in fact, you are keeping them and yourself from a harmful situation, and you are looking to give them and yourself something better, in the long run.
Today, I can celebrate a reconciled relationship which once was the most broken it could be. After five years, we are able to be friends again. I am blown away by the way God has directed our paths and brought wholeness where I never thought there could be any. I have been encouraged by this, and I hope that you know that reconciliation is real. Remember that living in brokenness is not the ministry of the believer. Just rest in Him and delight in the renewed life He has given you by setting you free.
*If you are being abused, please contact someone immediately. Reach out to a parent, a teacher, or another responsible adult who will get you help. Seek guidance from a therapist or a pastor.
So, lets assume you're starting from the bottom. If you don't know what that is, its that horrible feeling you get when you feel rejected and hurt. You are wrecked and tired, and you have let this relationship affect your mental, emotional, academic, spiritual, relational, or physical health. If you are at this stage, the first thing you have to do is remove yourself, quietly, if possible. Why is this necessary? Let's be honest - if you're this attached at this stage, you're going to need space to think and to learn what it means to be okay again. Try not to make extra drama which you'll have to deal with later, but instead, just make some space for a temporary time. The next stage is the reason you'll need some time and space. It's the stage where we figure out what our role is, and what it is not. This is the remedy to the reason why the giver mentality can hurt - are you ready? God has not called us into brokenness. There are countless negative repercussions to living in brokenness. First of all, when you get sucked into an unhealthy relationship like this, you actually hurt the person you're trying to help. You enable them to continue in the behavior that hurts themselves and others, and you strain your relationship with them. If you are so close to a person, and you love on them so much, and they don't care about you at all, that's going to cause frustration and resentment, which is not something God wants in your relationship. In additions, these kinds of relationships bring out the worst in the giver - you become insecure, and acting out of insecurity is never among our finest moments. You shut down your ability to give and minister in other relationships because you are exhausted and tired from the unhealthy relationship taking over your life. My greatest regrets in life are the relationships I hurt because I was too preoccupied "loving" someone with whom I was in an unhealthy friendship.
Finally, a relationship like this hurts your relationship with God. It makes your forget that God is a God of rest. God says in Matthew 11:28-30, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." God also says in Psalm 46:10, "Be still, and know that I am God." Rest is actually very important in my relationship with God. In resting, I am trusting that God is going to take care of me, and of the world. If I take a break, the world doesn't stop spinning. God is actually totally in control. I think we delude ourselves into thinking we're a lot more crucial than we actually are - God has it totally under control. Take the story of Mary and Martha - Jesus was in their house, and Martha was rushing about making preparations for dinner while Mary sat with Jesus. Martha complained to Jesus that Mary wasn't helping, but Jesus said, "Martha, Martha...you are worried and upset about many things, but few things are needed—or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her." What a testament to the way we are to live. That's the reason it's important to take a long step back - we need a perspective check of what's really important and how we're really supposed to be living.
So how, then, do we prepare to deal with this relationship when we come back from our reflective hiatus?
First, we recognize that they are wrong. What they are doing is literally wrong. There's no going around it. Now, this doesn't make us better than them. In fact, I'm sure at least once in your life, you'll be a taker too. But for now, you do need to stop making excuses for them and realize that how they are acting isn't okay.
Next, we forgive them. Forgiving means not holding resentment against them or using their faults against them. It means letting go of the hurt, anger, and pain. It means letting go through your own healing and allowing the healing of another. And the forgiveness must be total. None of this "I'll forgive you, but I won't forget" crap. Imagine if that's how God forgave us! "Well, Sarah, I guess I'll forgive you, but I've got a running tally of the amount of times you've messed up, and this number's getting pretty high." No! Of course not. God comes running to us, like in the parable of the prodigal son, where the father runs to welcome home his rebellious son who has come home.
But then what are the implications of this, and how do we not fall right back into the unhealthiness of the relationship again, if we are simply forgetting their pattern of behavior? Here's the part where we remember: God is a God of wholeness. We aren't called into unhealthy relationships. Unhealthy relationships are broken. God's work in our lives is to counteract our brokenness. God doesn't love evil. He wants us to be people who minister, but that never means doing something broken to achieve something good. That's not how it works.
So what does it look like to love this person? It means starting with internal forgiveness, and it means kindness. It means extending grace. It does not mean forging another unhealthy relationship with them. Now, this external forgiveness part is the tricky part. You need to pursue building a foundation of the healthiest friendship you can build with this person. If that means that you're kind to them and extend them grace, that is great. This is the part where you get to turn the other cheek. You can absolutely extend every grace to them, but don't engage in intimate relationship with them. You do not have to be best friends with them - only build the level of friendship which you can sustain at a healthy level. It's important to remember, however, that if they're ready to reconcile, you do it - reconciliation is a natural extension of true forgiveness. Now, reconciliation means creating wholeness - reconciliation does not mean re-entering brokenness. If they want to "reconcile," but what they mean is to continue abusing you, the answer should be no. In some contexts, it might be a good idea to talk to this person about how you're feeling and have a constructive conversation about what it might look like to build a healthy relationship. If the other person can't do that, then you can't have that kind of relationship right now. Learn to make peace with that - they have their own journey, and they will grow. But ultimately, you know yourself, and the last thing you want to do is to undo all the work you've done to get to this place of rest. If you don't think you can handle rebuilding a relationship yet - don't. Galatians 5:1 says, "It is for freedom that Christ has set you free. Therefore, do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yolk of slavery." Take the time you need to become whole again, and watch how the other person is doing to see if they are coming more towards a place of wholeness. The work God has done in your life to rebuild you is valuable - don't throw it away by carelessly flinging your heart about. Proverbs 4:23 says, "Guard your heart, for everything you do flows through it." In this way, you are not being selfish - in fact, you are keeping them and yourself from a harmful situation, and you are looking to give them and yourself something better, in the long run.
Today, I can celebrate a reconciled relationship which once was the most broken it could be. After five years, we are able to be friends again. I am blown away by the way God has directed our paths and brought wholeness where I never thought there could be any. I have been encouraged by this, and I hope that you know that reconciliation is real. Remember that living in brokenness is not the ministry of the believer. Just rest in Him and delight in the renewed life He has given you by setting you free.
*If you are being abused, please contact someone immediately. Reach out to a parent, a teacher, or another responsible adult who will get you help. Seek guidance from a therapist or a pastor.
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