Everything hurts. Sometimes, it feels as if thorns encompass you. Only if you remain in perfect stillness can you avoid the pricks. But in stillness you get stiff, and that hurts too. This is what love is like. The honest truth is everything hurts. Let me explain what I mean. You know that person that you love so much, but they only use you? They hurt you; they let you down. They frustrate you, they insult you, they abuse, they reject you. You give chance after chance, and people let you down time and time again. And to an extent, every relationship is like this. Someone can be the best person in the world, and you're still going to get hurt.
“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.” -Bob Marley
I seem to get hurt a lot. People often think I might regret it, once I've been used, once a relationship has failed, once I've been rejected. But I don't. They say hindsight is 20-20, but I don't regret a second I spent loving someone or pouring myself out. I've been used time after time, primarily as emotional support. Once people have gotten what they need, they are gone. And it rips my heart out. But had I known which people were going to be "worth it," I would not have changed one moment. They were still worth it. I needed to love those people to be who I am. It wouldn't have been right to pass over them because I was afraid. You don't get to protect yourself in that way. That's what it means to be in relationship. You put your heart on the line and trust God to catch you when you fall. If you live your life according to this fearless mantra, I promise, you will get hurt. But you will live. You will touch lives. You will grow. You will be who God has designed you to be.
“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.” -C.S. Lewis
So, I have lived by this fearless mantra. But let's also get some wisdom from the Bible. God tells us to love fearlessly. The kind of forgiveness we see in Christ is no "forgive-but-not-forget" mentality, nor does it seek to leave relationships broken. Wow. Transformative. Radical. But also, God says, "Don't be stupid." That's my paraphrased version of Proverbs 4:23.
"Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it." -Proverbs 4:23
Um, confused? I was. For many years, I felt like I needed to choose. Only recently was I able to reconcile the radical love of Christ with the cautiousness of this verse.
So, let me retract my previous statement. I have regretted my outpouring once. There was once a time where I invested so much in one person that I fell apart. My relationships with close friends and family fell into disrepair. My mental health teetered on the edge. And guess what. I wasn't able to be a loving support to anyone else for years. God had to build me back up, and it took a long time. That wasn't the way love should work, on my part.
So here's what I mean. You've gotta love everybody fully. 100% of what you can give, 100% of the time. And sometimes that 100% is nothing. Sometimes it's a lot more than anyone can reciprocate. And both of those times in life are okay. As long as you are giving it all.
But then know when it has shifted from love to brokenness. Dependent, unhealthy relationships are not a reflection of love. It is okay to fall. It is good to get hurt. I want my knees to get scraped. I want to feel those really low lows. Not because I love pain, but because that's when I know I'm doing it right. I put myself out there. I was vulnerable. You can't get hurt unless you were at least a little bit vulnerable, a little bit loving.
Getting hurt is different than living in slavery. God made the ultimate sacrifice to set us free. My favorite verse in the bible speaks to this:
"It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yolk of slavery." -Galatians 5:1
Wow. Is that powerful to you? It's powerful to me. We aren't meant to be slaves! We are not slaves to people that need us. Guess what? No one needs you! God is enough. We are not slaves to serve. Guess what? We give out of the outpouring of love God has invested in us. Not only are we not obligated to maintain unhealthy relationships, but we shouldn't! I don't think God wants us to live in brokenness - He has better plans for us! God is a God of wholeness. Sometimes, the most you can lovingly give in a relationship is very little, and that is your 100% for that person. And that's okay. But you can't know if a relationship is going to tear you down like that until you try. And if you get hurt, forgive and seek the true reconciliation of a healthy relationship, but don't settle for an unhealthy one.
And with that word of warning (which really wasn't the point, but for certain groups, like myself, is necessary), I urge the sterile, the clean, and the fearful, to break out. Sarah's #1 rule for relationships: Relationships are messy. It's something you accept. Breathe it in and out. There's nothing you can do to change it. People get hurt. But it's not a real relationship if it doesn't work that way. Relationships are messy because people are imperfect. When you pretend you're perfect and live in a restricted way, your relationships are fake. Get hurt. I recommend it. Everything hurts. Everything worth having, anyway. When I look at my closest friends - the ones who have partnered with me through life and truly loved me, I realize that many of them are people I gambled on. Take a chance on someone today. They're worth the risk.
