As 2014 comes to a close, I, along with millions of others, look at where I have come, where I am, and where I hope to be. As I look at what this year has brought me, I find that 2014 has been a year of rebuilding. I have been recovering from 2013, which brought deaths, heartbreaks, and tragedy upon tragedy. As I arrived at college for the first time, I soon found that these things had wrecked my heart, and I didn't know how to mend it. Leaving 2013, I felt distrustful, discontented, and weary.
Then, as 2014 began, I returned to school, rested after a reflective and restorative break. I knew I needed a change, and the first thing I changed were my friendships. I started speaking up about my needs, and I let go of those I knew were toxic in my life, despite how much I cared about them and continue to care about them.
I struggled through, grappling with the issues which continued to rend my heart. I learned a lot about God, and I learned a lot about myself. And finally, after a long walk, I simply decided to let go of the disquiet in my heart. I decided to find contentment within my own circumstances. I had a log talk with God, and He rekindled hope in me. That's not always how it works, but it did for me. Soon, I was completely set free from the mistrust and resentment I harbored. And I can truthfully say that I felt happier than I had felt in 4 years.
As I returned to school, I continued to make tough decisions about who I would let in my heart, keeping in mind that the Bible urges us to "protect your heart, for it is the wellspring of life," but also that we are to love unconditionally. In some circumstances, I think I have been too harsh, and in others, not strong enough. It is my hope that I can find peace in my heart which is untouched by the torrents of relationships. I want to treat this health I have been given with respect, and I do not look to recklessly jeopardize it. I prayerfully lay it in the Lord's hands. My hope is that I will learn how to view these two ideas as complementary, and not competing. Once I implement this, I know I will have increased restfulness in my relationships.
Most importantly, since I have returned to school, I have rediscovered the quietness of spirit and contentment which leads to rest and trust in God. I have had the opportunity to delight in the Lord's presence and rest in His goodness and grace. I plan to continue in this rest and pray that I will not leave this behind as I move forward into the new year. I have seen a glimmer of who I am meant to be in Christ. I want to use the life I have been given fruitfully, without forgetting the greatest good of sitting quietly in the presence of the Lord. I feel whole again, and that is a reflection of God's work. I hope not to dismantle what He has rebuilt in me.
Where I am today is perhaps a fuller version of where I was four years ago, during my sophomore year of high school. During that time, too, I was rebuilding from tragedy, and before now, it was the happiest time of my life. But as I moved forward from that time, I fell back into the old patterns of trusting in myself, which lead me into further trouble years later. Arriving back at this quiet place is both a triumph and a humbling experience, as I recognize my own weakness in the fact that I have nearly run around in a circle, as if I did not learn the first time. People always say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger - well, I don't know if that's true. I think it makes you weaker sometimes. It breaks you, it rips your confidence and will out of your body, and it leaves you spending your feeble emotional energy battling ghosts and demons of the past. My heart is more fragile than ever. I often cringe with the blossoming of a broken heart. I am not strong for having whethered mishaps. But if you choose to rely on God, it increases your dependence on God, which is all the better. 2 Corinthians 12:9 says, "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me."
In short, this was my 2014. It's had ups and downs, but it has been the best year of my life, to be honest. To those I have hurt, I ask forgiveness. To those who have hurt me, I forgive, and I hope to find you in my life, fully reconciled, and gently respecting my peace. To those who have supported me, who have given me the overwhelming and unconditional love I have received from you all, I give the deepest thanks. You are the lights of my life. To those to whom I have given love and grace, I point to Christ as the One I represent. To those I will meet this year, I ask support, love, and friendship, and to those I have lost or may lose, I ask patience, grace, and the confidence to pursue me when I fail to pursue you.
I look forward to seeing what God brings in 2015.
This is beautiful Sarah. I love reading about the work I've been able to witness The Lord do in your life over the past year! Can't wait to see what God has in store for you in 2015!
ReplyDeletexoxo.
~Mary