A Year in Review

     Time passes. 2011, 2012, 2013, 2014, and now, it's almost 2015. I appreciate this time because New Years is a celebration of a clean slate, which reminds us of the constant renewal we are offered by Christ. In Christ, every moment is a moment of renewal, like a New Year. We are continually redeemed and given second chances. As we celebrate the New Year with hope and joy, we are reminded of the newness we always find in Christ.

          As 2014 comes to a close, I, along with millions of others, look at where I have come, where I am, and where I hope to be. As I look at what this year has brought me, I find that 2014 has been a year of rebuilding. I have been recovering from 2013, which brought deaths, heartbreaks, and tragedy upon tragedy. As I arrived at college for the first time, I soon found that these things had wrecked my heart, and I didn't know how to mend it. Leaving 2013, I felt distrustful, discontented, and weary.

     Then, as 2014 began, I returned to school, rested after a reflective and restorative break. I knew I needed a change, and the first thing I changed were my friendships. I started speaking up about my needs, and I let go of those I knew were toxic in my life, despite how much I cared about them and continue to care about them.

     I struggled through, grappling with the issues which continued to rend my heart. I learned a lot about God, and I learned a lot about myself. And finally, after a long walk, I simply decided to let go of the disquiet in my heart. I decided to find contentment within my own circumstances. I had a log talk with God, and He rekindled hope in me. That's not always how it works, but it did for me. Soon, I was completely set free from the mistrust and resentment I harbored. And I can truthfully say that I felt happier than I had felt in 4 years.

     As I returned to school, I continued to make tough decisions about who I would let in my heart, keeping in mind that the Bible urges us to "protect your heart, for it is the wellspring of life," but also that we are to love unconditionally. In some circumstances, I think I have been too harsh, and in others, not strong enough.   It is my hope that I can find peace in my heart which is untouched by the torrents of relationships. I want to treat this health I have been given with respect, and I do not look to recklessly jeopardize it. I prayerfully lay it in the Lord's hands. My hope is that I will learn how to view these two ideas as complementary, and not competing. Once I implement this, I know I will have increased restfulness in my relationships.

     Most importantly, since I have returned to school, I have rediscovered the quietness of spirit and contentment which leads to rest and trust in God. I have had the opportunity to delight in the Lord's presence and rest in His goodness and grace. I plan to continue in this rest and pray that I will not leave this behind as I move forward into the new year. I have seen a glimmer of who I am meant to be in Christ. I want to use the life I have been given fruitfully, without forgetting the greatest good of sitting quietly in the presence of the Lord. I feel whole again, and that is a reflection of God's work. I hope not to dismantle what He has rebuilt in me.

     Where I am today is perhaps a fuller version of where I was four years ago, during my sophomore year of high school. During that time, too, I was rebuilding from tragedy, and before now, it was the happiest time of my life. But as I moved forward from that time, I fell back into the old patterns of trusting in myself, which lead me into further trouble years later. Arriving back at this quiet place is both a triumph and a humbling experience, as I recognize my own weakness in the fact that I have nearly run around in a circle, as if I did not learn the first time. People always say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger - well, I don't know if that's true. I think it makes you weaker sometimes. It breaks you, it rips your confidence and will out of your body, and it leaves you spending your feeble emotional energy battling ghosts and demons of the past. My heart is more fragile than ever. I often cringe with the blossoming of a broken heart. I am not strong for having whethered mishaps. But if you choose to rely on God, it increases your dependence on God, which is all the better. 2 Corinthians 12:9 says, "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me."

     In short, this was my 2014. It's had ups and downs, but it has been the best year of my life, to be honest. To those I have hurt, I ask forgiveness. To those who have hurt me, I forgive, and I hope to find you in my life, fully reconciled, and gently respecting my peace. To those who have supported me, who have given me the overwhelming and unconditional love I have received from you all, I give the deepest thanks. You are the lights of my life. To those to whom I have given love and grace, I point to Christ as the One I represent. To those I will meet this year, I ask support, love, and friendship, and to those I have lost or may lose, I ask patience, grace, and the confidence to pursue me when I fail to pursue you. 

     I look forward to seeing what God brings in 2015.

Christmas Reflections with Lucado, Charlie Brown, and the Grinch

     For much of this Christmas season, I haven't been myself. Most years, I love the baking, decorating, and wrapping. I start playing Christmas music after Halloween, and I plan presents with delight months in advance. But this year, it has seemed really hollow. Part of what has gotten me to this point is that life is hard. For whatever reason, Christmas can remind us of the things or the people we've lost, or the times we've felt unloved and rejected.  As I watch people put materialism and busy Christmas activities over love, family, and God, I find myself echoing Charlie Brown: "Isn't there anyone who knows what Christmas is all about?"
     That's why, this season, there's really nothing more appropriate to talk about than the love of God. That's the most important thing about Christmas. We get swept away by the shopping and the wrapping, and the food, and I think we end up congratulating ourselves if we remember to stick Jesus somewhere at all in our celebration. And all those wrappings seem to be celebrating nothing real, because when we don't remember how loved we are, we really are celebrating a hollow Christmas.
     If we could step back from all this, we might be able to get some perspective, because I think that's what we need when we get bogged down by the humdrum of Christmas.
     Many of us would say that God becoming flesh and coming to earth, living a life, and dying, was a miraculous act of love. But if we step back even further from that, we are reminded that Jesus coming to earth was only a small, but crucial chapter - the climax, of of the story of God's love for us.
     First, God created. He created time, space...everything - just to put us in it. Then, when it was all prepared, God created us. And it's the way He created us that causes the need for God to come to earth. Granting humankind the ability to choose is a decision that I probably would not have the wisdom or guts to make. Lucado says, "What a dangerous liberty. How much safer it would have been to finish the story for each Adam. To script every option. It would have been simpler. It would have been safer. But it would not have been love. Love is only love if it is chosen."
     And God knew what we would do. When he decided to give us the ability to choose, He knew we would abuse that privilege, and He knew the consequences. Weirdly, Lamentations is one of my favorite books in the Bible. Here, God writes a long description of the results of sin, not as a condemnation, but as an outpouring of sorrow. He observes the slavery, disappointment, betrayal, restlessness, sorrow, loneliness, humiliation, crushed beauty, regret, shame, filth, recklessness, defilement, lack of strength, guilt, and hurt we feel as a result of sin. The things that happen don't even have to be a direct result of a wrong action - the fact that Adam sinned simply broke the world. It's fallen, and now, bad things happen. Israel cries out, "My groans are many and my heart is faint" (1:22), and bemoans that they find "no resting place" (1:3). The consequences of sin, well, they stink. A lot. Pain often makes you ask why God would let this happen. For me, I sometimes honestly wonder if the ability to choose is worth all this. Honestly, I think what triggered my Grinchiness was when the five-year-old girl across the street from me, whom I love, told me, "My daddy had to leave because he touched my vagina." How can you respond to such a thing? I've had a lot of hard stuff come my way in life, and stuff like this just makes me feel like love is a lie, or maybe that it's not worth it.
     But God is so wise, and He knew that a real relationship with him is the best thing that can happen to us. And when we feel like sin is overpowering love, that's a lie. God is love, and God is infinite, and love in its truest form, is infinite. To experience true love is to experience God. Anything that is not love is not God's, and that makes it finite. So when you see how big sin is, God's love is comparatively vaster than the ocean is to a pebble. The infinite will engulf the finite. A love like that is beyond description. Tasting it now, and fully experiencing it when we become uninhibited by the burdens of this world - it's wonderful, and because God loves us, He wants us to be able to experience that, like any good father would.
     But that's only half of God's love story. He wanted us to experience love despite its high cost. But He also always intended to shoulder the burden and pay that cost. And "that's what Christmas is all about, Charlie Brown," as Linus would say.
     Christ coming to earth is the down payment in redemptive history. When Jesus came to earth, He, again with the centrality of choice in mind, paid the ultimate price so that we could start to see restoration. When Jesus came to earth, he bound his infinity in an ugly, poor, finite human body to grow up, suffer, and bear separation from the Father, from perfection, and from heaven. Do you see the pain Christ undertook by choice for us? Max Lucado describes, "'Can anything make me stop loving you?' God asks. 'Watch me speak your language, sleep on your earth, and feel your hurts. Behold the maker of sight and sound as he sneezes, coughs, and blows his nose. You wonder if I understand how you feel? Look into the dancing eyes of the kid in Nazareth: That's God walking to school. Ponder the toddler at Mary's table; that's God spilling his milk. You wonder how long my love will last? Find your answer on a splintered cross, on a craggy hill. That's me you see up there, your maker, your God, nail-stabbed and bleeding. Covered in spit and sin-soaked...That's how much I love you."
     And God's not done. Clearly, sin and its effects are not wiped from the earth yet - rather, we can choose to allow God to start that work in our lives. As He removes sin from our lives and removes the consequence of our sin which is our condemnation, God allows us to become a part of His work of redemption. Part of Christmas is the hope it brings. God promises to extend the restoration Christians see today to the whole earth. Christmas celebrates the first coming, and we look forward to the final redemption at the end of this story of love and at the beginning of eternity. This time, He will erase all sin and all the pain that is the consequence of sin, for those who choose to be a part of this redemption. Revelation 21:4 says, "He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away."

     Perhaps, my fellow Grinches might have the revelation that Christmas could have "came without ribbons!... came without tags!... came without packages, boxes, or bags!" But when we start to feel disillusioned and discouraged, we must remember that pain is not a reason to hate Christmas. Pain is the reason to love Christmas - it is the reason for Christmas. Remember God's love, and perhaps you can find joy in spreading that love this Christmas with the presents and wrappings in their proper places.